I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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