I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
