just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
