The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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