Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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