My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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