Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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