Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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