My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Randomize
