unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
