20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
