A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
