Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize