if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
