Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
