My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize