can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I FOUND THE LEGS
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
