ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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