mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize