i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
