Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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