I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
