Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
