dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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