Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
