the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize