I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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