I'm going to jail i love you
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
