I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Randomize
