the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
