you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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