You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
