you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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