I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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