meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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