She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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