Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
