i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I queefed so loud it echoed.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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