I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
