he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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