I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize