There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
