you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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