You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
