guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
