new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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