i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
