i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize