I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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