My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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