I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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