How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
