I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
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