i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize