So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
