The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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