i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just had sex bonerless
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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