btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize