I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
