Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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