Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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