Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
