I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
