My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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