it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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