Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
