its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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